Finding Hope in Philadelphia

This was some really, really good pizza from a Wine and Pizza bar in Philly. Thing is, I never thought that I'd have to pay $2 extra for my pizza to have mozzarella cheese. Apparently, their idea of a "plain pie" was sauce and a crust!

Philly from 10 floors up. The folks at the Holiday Inn Express were so nice and accommodating, and the room, and the view, were beautiful. Definitely makes things better and easier! Thank you, Holiday Inn Express!

Me, Thinking. I went out to Jefferson Headache Center the following morning. I had made an appointment months prior, and wrestled with myself right up till the day before, knowing the huge expenditure of time, energy, finances, and the risk to my job due to lost time if I got hospitalized, but, the past year I was so sick, that they can keep me in the hospital as long as they need to, provided I leave well (duh, that's the goal, folks. ;)

I've developed more neurological issues over the past year. From a particularly bad stretch of 'episodic spasticity' in the spring, to increased difficulty walking, clumsiness, dizziness, 'mild ataxia,' to losing my fine motor skills to muscle tremors, vision blurriness, and then, the "status migrainus," I realized, it's worth any risk to get out there. I can't keep going the way I've been going. I'm struggling to get through each day, struggling to keep going.

I'm glad I went for the evaluation at Jefferson. And, while I am TERRIFIED of things like worse pain or anxiety, I am glad I am going to their inpatient headache center on Wednesday. It's hope, its the best chance I've been given to get well, in a very, very long time. It is the chance for an end to some of the challenges. The neurologist told me some of the "focal neurological" deficits will improve once the status migrainus is under control. The different medication, already, seems to help the tremor.

I finally have hope, I finally have a CHANCE. I told the doctor, how, as weird as it sounds, in a way I spent the last few months, "living" in a way, for the appointment at Jefferson, knowing they are "the best." When I was having my last doubts, I was literally laying on the floor, the morning I left for Philly, crying so hard, praying for guidance. I had thought of cancelling the appointment, scared of losing my job. Then, I realized, too, if I didn't get better, I'd probably be unable to work soon, anyway. I tried to call a local doctor who had been trying to help, he never called back. I called Jefferson. They called back, and talked to me, for a while, and encouraged me to come out, and discussed how they have a lot of ways to help people. Someone heard my prayer! (Thank You!) I drove out to Philly after work, and now, I have a chance.

Even though I'm scared, I'm blessed with a supportive sweetheart, a great family, and great friends. I know no matter what, I'll be OK, and in the end, come out on top. I look at life in terms of, there is some lesson here I need to learn, and to take the lesson, and use it to make the world a little better somehow. I don't know the lesson yet, and I don't know where things will go over the next few months, but I believe that one day, it will all make sense.

:)