Numb, Yet Never Serene.

It seems like it has
Been so long since I have had
A phrase to write
Or one to think
or Share.

Perhaps the worst part is realizing
Only now,
That I don't care.

I detest yet adore
My silken flowers
Which mirror my life--
Beautiful, shallow, never changing
Collecting dust
Seldom brushed
away.

My flowers are the only place
Where I still can show artistry.

The pills that make college easier
Have otherwise cancelled me
Out and away...
Dream another day...
Creativty hidden
Spiritually dead
But if it can keep me
Awake and out of my bed
For long enough to complete my degree
Then perhaps it is worth
The lack of true serenity...

Silent hands and silent face
Certainly portray
The silence now inside my heart
That will not move away...

How long has it been since I've been happy?
Or sad, or anything?

There is just this screaming in the back of my mind...
IS NUMBNESS BETTER?
The numbness is unkind...

Friend says,
You have not been happy, nor sad, either
Since this Summer...

It is only now I see
That I have merely grown
Colder,
Number....

My life has lacked the ups and downs
That add to it's odd charm...
This ease of walking and doing work
Is a drug
And it does cause harm.

I started the pills to escape
The racing, horrifying thoughts and scenes...
I do not want them back
But this calm before the storm
Is frightfully
Serene....
Hinting at the turmoil burried--
Whose slow-burning fire
Can seldom be hurried
Into fading away.

After years of the pills
I started to 'feel' again,
Something other than the Abyss and Pain
so characteristic of head trauma and PTSD
I felt ALIVE again....

But here I am now, back to where I began
Minus the racing thoughts--
And save for the muted pain--
This is not the first time
I've been unable to feel
to feel alive.

I had hoped it would not
Happen again.