1st Life, 2nd Life

When my second life gets rough
I dream of what could have been
But that dream can easily become a nightmare
So I try not to dwell within
that rhealm of perceived loss...
Where no loss truly exists
Because I never became a doctor
I never finished my degree in biology
So the reality is I lost nothing
But it doesn't feel that way.

I look at peers who are 'at the top of their game....'
And I wish that I could say the same....
Then I remind myself I've accomplished so much
And I will accomplish more....
Gay Leigh's saying comes to mind...
"You can do it all, just not all at once....."

But today my heart feels broken
And I still cannot understand
How people around me can do things like
Party late and still go to work the next day
Or drive for hours like I used to do
Or go to work and school at the same time
And don't have to plan for every contingency
And have the freedom to just pick up and do
Anything that they want to....

And I think of the things I wanted to do
And tears come to my eyes
But then I recall the things
I never thought I'd do
But then managed to succeed....
Even though it wasn't my originally planned time line
I did it
And I need
to Remember how I used to call my friends 'daft' when they told me things would be better, that I would graduate and succeed--
They were right! I know that more, now, than ever.

And I know someday I will do the things I've always wanted to
More education
My own home
Hiking
Living unafraid
And I know such dreams
Are not 'daft' but rather
just take time....and if I keep fighting
Things will work out, fine.

But somedays the fight seems exhausting
I don't want to go for more PT!
But I know ultimately it will be worth it for me.

I guess because I've accepted
I am not going back "on the road,"
I need to find a new motivation
To keep fighting
And I'm working on that
But am still trying to find
My magical drive
That makes me keep fighting
Keep going
Keep recovering
in hopes of one day being just fine.