On "Acceptance"

Well, things on the health insurance front are looking up. I also heard about two apartment complexes that I might want to look into.....just not sure I am ready for that, esp. not after the last few months, however, maybe my friends/colleagues all see something I don't see, they keep telling me, "It's time."

Here's the thing: The two housing units I am looking into are "accessible units," one is section 8. What I can't handle is this: The day I move into an accessible apartment, the day I get a section 8 voucher, is the day I am going to have to accept some stuff. Getting my own apartment can be both one of the happiest, as well as one of the saddest, days in my life. I am not sure for many reasons that I am ready for that. I LOVE living at home, and my rent is FAR cheaper here than even section 8 would be.

A social worker, who also has a disability, said to me today, "Sweetheart, you have a permanent disability." I told him I don't consider myself disabled. He has cerebral palsy, and answered me that he does not consider himself disabled, either. Wow, disability really is a social construct. Within the individual, it does NOT exist. You are who you are.

The social worker says, "It doesn't sound like your parents are running away from you. Try living on your own for 6 months, a year. If it doesn't work, move home, your situation is no worse. If it does work, great!"

That makes some good sense.

I talked with my friend who had a spinal cord injury, years ago, and another who has a disability he was born with. I said how I am NOT ready to accept that I "have" a "permanant" disability. My years of denial have suited me quite well, thank you--I think denial is not a bad thing, it is something that allows one to push limits, and succeed to the highest extent....it's just not serving me well when it comes to living on my own. I am doing VERY well. It's just that there are still a few things that need to be ironed out.

I am not ready to "accept" that I "have" a disability. I don't want to accept that that is what is supposedly the reality. This is because Life is GOOD, I am just slightly inconvenienced at times. I AM recovering, it's been 8 years but I AM recovering. I am SO MUCH BETTER than I was 8 years ago. I just don't know how many more till things are where they should be.

Apparently, a "permanant" disability is one expected to last longer than 12 months. Oops, after 8 years.....!

My friend warned me, the day you accept it is a shitty day.

I intend to put that day off as long as possible, preferrably bordering on never. Again, if I listened to everyone who told me I "shouldn't/couldn't" do college, I wouldn't have succeeded. I am doing well!! I just am not quite where I'd like to be.

I just feel like, as long as I live at home and I am working to save money and better myself, I am still getting better. I feel like the day I leave home, and go into the "system," and live in a "project," I am losing, giving up hope, when it is not really necessary to do so. Better I save rent money by living at home while I recover....problem is I am not getting any younger, and that could be years away....how do I pass time and make it valuable/meaningful?

I'll start by going on, and enjoying, my vacation.

I feel like once I get into the "system," there won't be a way out.

I work in a housing project.....It's like a college dormitory....I do VERY poorly in that kind of a setting, overall. I've learned, though, from my job IN a housing project, that if I move into one of those places, I need to keep my nose to the grindstone, turn my apartment into my clean and "sacred" place, and avoid socializing with the other residents/tennants....that causes drama, it's important to have a LIFE and FRIENDS outside the project.......I must NEVER forget that or stray from that.

Wow, I really don't want to live in a project. Not one bit.

And yet, it could be a way to break from my current, stagnant routine...

It is all very confusing. Even worse, I need to make a decision, FAST.

For now, I'll keep slipping my parents money when I can, and working to get better...so far that plan has served me well.

The thought of moving into a "project" is terrifying. I don't care if it is in an "oK" section of town.

That first night, laying alone in the dark, I'd be sobbing. I HATE being alone. I'd be MISSING my dream of true independence.

And projects have RULES, like you can't be away more than "x" number of days per year or you obviously don't need a house too badly you could just keep crashin' whereever you go. Screw that.

If I want to see friends, etc., because of fatigue, I SPEND THE NIGHT since driving home is oftentimes not an option. So, humor me here, does that mean I'd lose housing?
Technically, it could, since other folks don't even have that as an option. It makes sense, in that regard.

For me, though, being a sociable lady, who HATES to be alone and gets lonely and bored and depressed easily, thats bull. no other way to put it.

hrms......

Yep, the projects would not be good for me.

Besides, right now I go to work, and I come HOME. To a house, with it's own DooR. I have a room, I have a yard, I have FAMILY.

I can't even FATHOM going to work in a project, then coming home at night to sleep in another. It would be like I could never escape the cycle!!!!!!!

Probably a real bad idea.

Will give more money to Parents, who are AWESOME, soon.