Not My Choice

Love says to me
The past year
I've really gone down hill....
We don't walk
Too tired for a good talk
It just takes too much will.

The walls of life are closing in
The pills are failing, too.
Pain is a constant companion
The day is a struggle
to just get through.



Tests I've been avoiding
Become necessity
As things start to fall apart and I
Have a choice to try to see
If anything can be made better
Or if this is what it will always be.



Doctors seldom give answers, merely say
"Might be...."
"Might" and such lame phrases
Give no comfort to me.

Dreams are placed on hold again
While I work hard to keep a job

So I can pay the doctors who are
Supposed to help me be able to work
To go back to school
To live my dreams!
Lately I don't think
Anyone is fighting that hard
for me, it seems.

I'm willing to take greater risks
With surgeries and tests
If there is a reasonable chance
My life will be better yet.



Right now I feel like I am treading water

Every day

Getting no where trying to keep

From drowning

To keep from just submitting to

Whatever this may be....



I don't like feeling helpless

I don't like feeling hopeless

When I know that there is more for me

There is more that I could do

More that I could be

If again someone will start

Once more to fight for me.



I'm running in circles trying to make

Everyone talk together

Figure this out,

Get this resolved

PLEASE make me better!



I've hired someone to help me to
Do things that once came easily
But this is Not my choice
if I had one
For the way that things would be!

So now I stop and try to decide
What will have to be?
My heart is breaking,
Heavey with the saddness
That makes it harder for me
To make the next few decisions
And keep myself positive and strong....
Lately it's been making me sad
Wondering how long
This fight will go on
Fighting for answers
For something that will help more...
I'm tired, the sadness makes me moreso
It just goes back and forth.

It does not seem fair that I've come this far
Only to find myself struggling
With dreams just out of reach