Thursday, February 22, 2007

Lady A.'s Wisdom

I can tell that
She used to walk.
Perhaps it was an accident,
Or perhaps like many with Spina Bifida,
She walked with braces as a youth,
But as time when on it became
Too painful.
I know this because her legs
Give it away--
Too long to have spent life in a wheelchair,
Yet too short to indicate
That she walked until recently.

As I assist her
She looks me in the eyes and says,

"You are so blest,
To be able to experience life both walking and in a wheelchair...to do both."

I reply, "Thank you, and I try to count my blessings...I look at what you and Lady B. have to face, and I don't know how you do it. Though sometimes it gets hard to keep perspective, dealing with people's confusion at what I can or cannot do."

She said more, though, in fewer words,
And I, unable to answer her wisdom
forged through a challenging life
Faced with humor and strength
Feel fortunate
To be a mudskipper,
And to have a confusing future
Not knowing myself
What I can and cannot do,
But I feel more fotunate still
to have had the chance
To hear her wisdom

and to Let it
warm my heart.

I quietly thank the powers above
For the experiences I used to despise
And that I can expereince life,
As she put it,
From both sides.

I have been giving a blessing,
And a gift which I must
Humbly use
To teach me not to condescend others
To teach me that the human spirit
Is stronger than physical weakness
To help me to make the world
A bit better for all I meet.

I walk, I wheel, I am blessed.
Thank you,
Lady A.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Mudskipper


Sometimes swimming,
Sometimes jumping
Out of the water to look around
A part of both worlds,
And yet apart from both worlds,
Quietly lonely
Yet laughing at the paradoxes of each…
Knowing that neither existence is better or worse than the other…
Both world are the same.

Some days wheeling
Some days walking
Standing or sitting, trying
To take it all in…
A part of two cultures
Yet apart from both cultures
Blessed and relieved and lucky
Yet confused and cursed and lonely…
Trying to comprehend the complexities
Of the interplay
Of two very different worlds.

I am a mudskipper.



Thursday, February 08, 2007

Numb, Yet Never Serene.

It seems like it has
Been so long since I have had
A phrase to write
Or one to think
or Share.

Perhaps the worst part is realizing
Only now,
That I don't care.

I detest yet adore
My silken flowers
Which mirror my life--
Beautiful, shallow, never changing
Collecting dust
Seldom brushed
away.

My flowers are the only place
Where I still can show artistry.

The pills that make college easier
Have otherwise cancelled me
Out and away...
Dream another day...
Creativty hidden
Spiritually dead
But if it can keep me
Awake and out of my bed
For long enough to complete my degree
Then perhaps it is worth
The lack of true serenity...

Silent hands and silent face
Certainly portray
The silence now inside my heart
That will not move away...

How long has it been since I've been happy?
Or sad, or anything?

There is just this screaming in the back of my mind...
IS NUMBNESS BETTER?
The numbness is unkind...

Friend says,
You have not been happy, nor sad, either
Since this Summer...

It is only now I see
That I have merely grown
Colder,
Number....

My life has lacked the ups and downs
That add to it's odd charm...
This ease of walking and doing work
Is a drug
And it does cause harm.

I started the pills to escape
The racing, horrifying thoughts and scenes...
I do not want them back
But this calm before the storm
Is frightfully
Serene....
Hinting at the turmoil burried--
Whose slow-burning fire
Can seldom be hurried
Into fading away.

After years of the pills
I started to 'feel' again,
Something other than the Abyss and Pain
so characteristic of head trauma and PTSD
I felt ALIVE again....

But here I am now, back to where I began
Minus the racing thoughts--
And save for the muted pain--
This is not the first time
I've been unable to feel
to feel alive.

I had hoped it would not
Happen again.