Tuesday, June 30, 2009

On Wanting to live

Years ago, I didn't care if I lived or died. Then I got to the point of just living for the moment, then with the recent round of health issues, I realized, unlike years ago, I truly just want to live, to make the world a little better where I can.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Half Happy, Half Bummed

Happy b/c I played piano today and went to a small church flea market near my house. Bummed b/c I am still not feeling well enough to drive to a party in Brigantine--breathing from muscle/diaphragm spasms is still too bad to forgo meds for the hours the drivewould require, plus its scary to be far afield when have something affecting a vital function. :P Not fun. But, I will focus on creating a kick ass party at my house next month!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

On Being more Silent

Yeah, like that is possible for me. ;)Actually, it's been interesting the past few weeks--while my breathing has been less than perfect, I've actually been talking less, as it requires an effort. Doesn't mean I'm not still chatty as all get out, all things are RELATIVE, and for me, I'm more quite. ;)Of course, this has been interesting. I have realized how much I like to type, and how even if my mouth isn't flapping', my keyboard still is. ;)And no, I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I am busy making observations and then chatting about them via a means that requires less oxygen. ;)It has been interesting to (and yes this is RARE, I know me! ;) sit and listen more, and not be so quick to respond/have an answer as I usually do, to have to choose words with more care, to slow down.There is a realization of just how little one actually NEEDS to say, as opposed to what one chooses/wants to say. When I was in college, there was a fellow, who, for whatever reason, decided not to talk as a thesis, for, I believe an entire semester. The first time I met him (having known him to be a tad pompous like myself before ;) He was being completely silent. I tried to make him laugh, made a few stupid remarks that normally would have set him off, then realised, he truly did not respond to it...and suddenly I was looking in a mirror, and felt foolish, and realized how juvenile the behavior of trying to 'mess with him' in such a fashion, was. To see no reaction to one's attempts to get a reaction, was quite an epiphany. As I said, suddenly, I was looking in a mirror and seeing my behavior for what it was, in this case, childish and quite foolish and disrespectful. I ceased to try to make him lose his composure. I actually found his undertaking of this thesis, whatever the reason behind it was, to be quite noble. There's the old saying, "One mouth, two ears...." meaning everyone should listen more. I really respected him for his dedication. I also wish I'd somehow told him that his silence was an epiphany for me, on the power of silence, of being a mirror to the world, by his not responding, not reacting, I saw what he was seeing, and ceased to make an ass out of myself. ;)I have a lot more respect for him now, and found him to be a more profound person, when he was spending weeks saying nothing at all, than when he always had some 'brilliant' thing to say.For me, the last few weeks have been an interesting study, especially on the more difficult days, of really thinking of how and if I need/want to respond. I find, more often than not, the less said, the better. There are theories that point to language as being, in essence, a tertiary means of communication--we have pheromones, and body language which have been in place for quite a while for our species and others, to say the least! Spoken language is thought to have evolved later...and perhaps, it is still evolving. So many arguments, so many fights, so many miscommunication can be avoided....it would appear to me that the majority are the direct result of some glitch in communication. And written language? Forget it!Thank goodness for 'emoticons,' or there would be a lot MORE unrest in the web-based world. ;) When there is that absence of face to face communication, which relies on far more than mere speaking and hearing (i.e., body language, and arguably pheromones, etc.), things can disintegrate rapidly. Even when a computer audibly 'reads' text someone wrote, the inflection is lost.In being more 'silent,' and thinking, "is this even worth the effort to respond,and if so, how?" one gains insight not only into one's own behavior, but into that of others, and perhaps, a greater understanding, not to mention, less conflict.That being said, I need to hit the road, get to a meeting, where it is proper decorum to sit silently unless one has business that must be brought up. And sometimes, discretion truly is the better part of valor....So, until I chat away again on this fourth means of communication we've created to augment our other means, have a wonderful day, and take some time to enjoy a moment, andjustbesilent.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

1st Life, 2nd Life

When my second life gets rough
I dream of what could have been
But that dream can easily become a nightmare
So I try not to dwell within
that rhealm of perceived loss...
Where no loss truly exists
Because I never became a doctor
I never finished my degree in biology
So the reality is I lost nothing
But it doesn't feel that way.

I look at peers who are 'at the top of their game....'
And I wish that I could say the same....
Then I remind myself I've accomplished so much
And I will accomplish more....
Gay Leigh's saying comes to mind...
"You can do it all, just not all at once....."

But today my heart feels broken
And I still cannot understand
How people around me can do things like
Party late and still go to work the next day
Or drive for hours like I used to do
Or go to work and school at the same time
And don't have to plan for every contingency
And have the freedom to just pick up and do
Anything that they want to....

And I think of the things I wanted to do
And tears come to my eyes
But then I recall the things
I never thought I'd do
But then managed to succeed....
Even though it wasn't my originally planned time line
I did it
And I need
to Remember how I used to call my friends 'daft' when they told me things would be better, that I would graduate and succeed--
They were right! I know that more, now, than ever.

And I know someday I will do the things I've always wanted to
More education
My own home
Hiking
Living unafraid
And I know such dreams
Are not 'daft' but rather
just take time....and if I keep fighting
Things will work out, fine.

But somedays the fight seems exhausting
I don't want to go for more PT!
But I know ultimately it will be worth it for me.

I guess because I've accepted
I am not going back "on the road,"
I need to find a new motivation
To keep fighting
And I'm working on that
But am still trying to find
My magical drive
That makes me keep fighting
Keep going
Keep recovering
in hopes of one day being just fine.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Frustrated

Maybe if I just push harder
This will all go away...
It's been working over the years
But I'm in a setback, today.

I hate having time to think
And missing my first life
Or perhaps its that I miss the perceived freedom
that I once took for granted...

Maybe if I just keep fighting
Keep denying
I can pick up where my dreams left off.

I will Always Be

I will Always Be
The sweet, tough EMT
The driven, motivated lady
Determined to succeed.

I will Always Be
still dreaming of the day
When all the pain will disappear
And I will be OK.

I will always identify myself
As calm and unafraid
I will always set my goals
Higher every day...

I will always put on my "tough face,"
And be calm throughout the storm
As I fix things and make them right
My heart will be strong.

I will always get through any obstacle thrown my way
But I will never lose my unrelenting,
Perhaps unrealistic hope....
That one day things will be the way they were
I will be were I want to be...
But until then I take small steps
And focus on day-to-day
Serenity.

Monday, June 15, 2009

BLAH!

BLAH! I am trying to get some sleep now. Hate feeling under the weather....fatigue has been bad (though I managed to get in a few minutes on my bike!) and my temp has been staying between 99-100, third freakin' nosebleed of the day......I got out of work as fast as I could so I could rest today, I think I will do the same tomorrow....I've been running ragged. on top of working to the point of exhaustion all last week, I got my steroid injections done in my mid back, which has helped my pain a LOT, and my breathing a bit, but now I just got to get through feeling ucky FROM the steroids....it is ALwAYS worth it because they help so much, but the side effects the first week or two are never boring..... :P

I just balance my complaining with the fact that I am thankful that I am doing as well as I am even if I am in a rough patch right now, and i have good doctors who help me stay healthy, that is more than many folks in the world, have. At the end of the day, I am doing ok, I'm just dis-comforted right now. ;)
C