I am Not a Number

I am Not a diagnostic code in your DSM-IV.
I am a human being with a life, and more living in store!
How dare these women and men
Stick a label on a life
Categorize another
Brand them, if you will,
Without realizing it causes strife!

Don't you know
The discrimination
Those you label will face?
That you are preventing them from getting medical care
Because the doctors will see your little numbers
Your label and decide
that there is "nothing wrong with this person, they are just 'crazy.'"
As a result
They will suffer needlessly
and when they say they are in pain,
The doctor says, "Up your antidepressant again."

You may as well
brand their forehead
Cast them out among the 'unclean.'
You ultimately will ruin their lives
And rather than see
The pain they have endured
And try to understand
You'll just label them
Give them a number
Like a prisoner...

And,
A prisoner,
Now they shall be,
tattooed with a number
That to others spells failure

Jailed for failing to be
'just like you.'
Who decides
What is normal
Who decides
What personality is 'right?'

Have you ever noticed it changes, as across the span of time
Women and Men's roles evolve
And trends grow and then decline?
Psychology and diagnoses are merely a fad....
Remember hysteria?
Or autism being caused by mothers interaction with their young?

I'd like to say,
LOOK how far we've come!
But I'd be lying to everyone.

We should ease the suffering for which we have pills,

because it's impact on a person's life is REAL.

The anxiety, depression, the emotional pain
Yes, pills are good for those things and should, if desired to ease suffering,

or because it is truly right be given ....

but couple it with caring, and help someone to find

A purpose in life for living....

give people hope and let them know that they are VALUABLE

and not less of a human being!

We all have worth and should always be given every chance to reach our dreams!

But
Don't talk about personalities as being 'wrong'
Don't make a human being a number or a derogatory phrase....
You are destroying a life
Making it not worth living!

Your words are attacking someone's soul

And out of compassion,

I hope you will never know

The PAIN you cause when you say,

"Here's your number, go away."

Snow, Hope, and Sanity (?)!

The snow outside here is BEAUTIFUL! The sun is out now, too, so it's definately one of those "Courier and Ives" kind of days! I am sitting in my room, mostly, enjoying looking through old photos. My neurologist is an angel, he is the only one even trying to manage my pain. Even with strong medicine, my right side of my tummy still hurts so bad, but I have a 'tentative' surgery date now, so my hope is growing. :)

I am thinking of all the things that will improve and how much more I will be able to do once I feel better! My colleagues and friends have noticed a 'downslide' over the past 6-12 months. I'm hoping that with the bad vitamin D deficiency being treated and relief of my tummy pain in sight, things will improve. I was a little bummed because it's the end of 2009, and all I can think of, in terms of accomplishments, was, well, I survived. I will have been out of school for 3 years in May, but my life just seems to be standing still right now . Hopefully as my health improves, I will move forward and not be merely 'treading water,' and start to live more and do more, again. I think once my tummy doesn't hurt so bad (and I can stand up straight again!) my back and my shoulder and migranes will improve, my PT thinks some of it is postural.

However, I did recently get quoted in a 'best practices' article. That is an accomplishment that makes me happy! Maybe I can get a few more of those on my resume one of these days. :)

So, in the mean time, at least since I have someone trying to manage my pain while I wait for surgery, I am a little more sane than I was the day that the one doctor was practically saying "no go," and all I had been pinning my strength on was fighting to get through to that day.

I am meditating more, praying more, both for health and strength and to get through this surgery, successfully, and in a timely manner.

I am trying to exercise more, when I feel up to it, and trying to pace myself to do a little housework each day. I spend the weekends mostly resting to prepare for another work week. I need to work to pay those bills!!

I will get through this, I always do. I am happy to say that with good PT, my shoulder is improving and I can use my arm and shoulder much better!! :) I'm a tough critter and am blessed with good family, boyfriend, and friends, who are my support and strength and help. :)

On Adapting to Current life, and Waiting for Surgery and Results

Well, I have hope now but it must be tempered with PATIENCE! Waiting on 'elective' surgery. Elective my left...well, you know. I have Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction. Positive test for it via Hida w/ CCK. I have bad nausea, occasional vomiting, even with alternating doses of compazine and zofran throughout the day. And lets not talk about pain. It hurts. And pain meds don't help much at ALL. And the meds for SOD don't work on me.

So, I actually just want the darn surgery over with. But, because I am a 'higher risk,' I have to wait until the 'special' anesthesiologist is free. I am hoping from the heart that that is soon. I want this over with, the last six weeks have been getting unbearable. Now that there is finally an end in sight, I have to be patient even as the pain gets worse! It's crazy.

I finally got an MRI of my shoulder done, and am waiting on the results. My PT said that there is probably a 'joint capsule injury.' All I know is, my shoulder is unstable and it hurts all the way down to my hand. So today, I was looking online and found that shoulder injuries can CAUSE migraine and neck pain on the injured side because the muscles are pulling funny to compensate. If that is the case, I hope they can fix not only my shoulder, but maybe some of these debilitating migraines which have gotten worse....then again, so has my shoulder.....hrm.......will have to 'wait and see,' and am hoping the MRI results are in soon.

I am so cranky the past few days. I try not to 'take it out' on anyone, but I am miserable! I am so tired, dizzy....and in pain. I just want to be better! I can't use my wheelchair because my shoulder gets infinitely worse if I just push myself across the room. I need my wheelchair because of the pain and fatigue. Being hunched over from the stomach pain makes the ongoing thoracic (degenerative) pain worse. Well, wheelin..... that ain't happening, so I found an 'alternate' assistive device. I got a rollator which is excellent for shopping. I actually got out for a while with the help of my handsome hunny, yesterday! I tried out my rollator for the first time. It's good because it kept me from falling way more than once when I was wobbly/dizzy, I could sit down in line to wait to pay for stuff (always the WORST part of a shopping trip for me is standing still!) and it was a lot less stress on my shoulder than pushing a wheelchair.

I also started using a shower chair (finally) since I have had a lot of falls and near-falls lately. thankfully landed half on my bed yesterday from one that was a doozy and walked away with only my dignity bruised. Don't have any desire to fall in the shower and have anyone help my bare self up.

The shoulder instability, and pain, on top of an underlying muscle weakness/fatigue makes blow drying my hair a challenge, something I would like to do now that the weather is getting cold, so I think that I need to look into one of those clamps that holds the blow drier so you can use it "hands free."

For the record, I must be some kind of a 'proving ground' for new hires. A second aide from the agency I was private paying, quit. And just like the first one, she genuinely liked me as a person! What the heck??!!! I could really use someone right now. Got to ask my dr. for a script for an aide because I am going broke.

Tomorrow I go to see my truly wonderful new doctor who is giving me hope, and listening, and trying to actually get me better! I have to remember to get my pre-op labs done, and I am hoping she will know more about my shoulder by tomorrow, even though I know it isn't too likely since the MRI was friday afternoon and tomorrow is only Monday.

The hardest thing for me, these days, is waiting for relief when I find out it IS out there. I keep truckin', knowing that things will get taken care of. However, I feel stressed and frustrated because I don't know WHEN, and then I get all frazzled because I will feel more secure once it is DONE already.

And currently my shoulder is loudly crunching every time I move, and I have to pee but I don't want to get up but I got to so I got to stop tying and get my dupa over to the bathroom. I just don't want to get up because it is unpleasant--but the alternative is more unpleasant, so I am outta here!

I just hope that I get the surgery I need, and fast, and that it cures at least one of my problems. Please, think positively for me that this will occur!
Thank you!