Sunday, May 17, 2009

Finding Meaning

I was reading through my old writings and posts on my two blogs. The thing I like about blogging, is, it shows the journey. It's like a diary, but perhaps more daring in that one KNOWS it can be found by anyone. For me, it is cathartic, but also a means of saying to the world, THIS is me, I am me, I am strong, and I don't care what anyone else thinks, here's my soul, if you can't handle it, you can navigate away from this page. ;)

I have perhaps too much time to reflect on days like this, where I actually am resting--these days have thankfully become farther apart--and trying to keep my mind busy lest it go off on a trip of it's own while I'm trying to sit here and let the physical stuff simmer down a bit. So, I reflect, though I've learned not to traverse too deeply into the past.

Psychology will tell us that every time we recall an event, a memory, we process it a bit differently. We look at the context somewhat differently, and re frame events in our lives, in essence. The event does not change, but the context and our interpretation, does. Perhaps this is healing, when one can reflect, but not too deeply, and truly bring in a positive context to life experiences that on the surface, seemed devastating and impassible.

The amazing thing about life can be summed up by, "First there is a mountain, than there is no mountain, then there is." When faced with an obstacle, it may first seem insurmountable. But, taking just one step a day, even if it is just brushing your teeth one morning when you don't want to get out of bed, puts you one step farther up the mountain. As long as you keep living, and keep taking one tiny step a day, you will find yourself on top of the mountain, the mountain will have vanished beneath you, and you can pause for a moment to take in the view, and reflect on the journey to surpass what previously seemed impassible.

Then, life continues on. You walk down from the peak and resume day to day life, and sometimes, when you pause to reflect, and you look over your shoulder, you see the mountain behind you, but now, you are looking at the side you walked down. Your perspective of the mountain has changed, from the craggy, impassible thing you needed to scramble over, to your pause at the top to realize, "I got to the summit!" to the walk down the other side and on with your life, to that occasional moment where you look back at the path you've traveled so far, and you see the mountain in the distance, and know you successfully traversed that mountain.

Somehow, that gives one strength, knowing that throughout life, there will be mountains, but if you just keep living, take tiny steps, you will make it to the summit, than down the other side, and some day, again, you will be looking over your shoulder, remembering how you never thought you'd make it over that mountain, but you did. Once you reached the summit, perhaps you were exhausted, but the walk down, as things became easier though you still had to step with care, and then the return to level ground, makes it all worth while. The walk downhill can be energizing. However, once you have crossed over the mountain, don't stare at the mountain behind you for too long, in case you trip over a pebble in the current path by walking backwards. ;)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Take 2

I tried to go to church today
But they took away my chair...I tried to go and pray today
But there was nothing there...

There was no room at the Inn...I don't want to be one of them.

I tried to go to Mass today

I tried to go to church today
But they took away my chair...
I tried to go and pray today
But there was nothing there...

There was no room at the Inn
They took away my chair.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

A Walk in the Woods

A walk in the woods
With a dear friend by my side
Finding serenity
Green leaves
A frog
The fullness of Spring
Birds kicking leaves for a Bug Buffet

Finding I am stronger
And healthier
Than I've been in years!
My Certain Someone by my side
I feel safer with you there--
Plus the added pair of eyes
More miracles to share
Funny trees
Bright green bug
That didn't fly too well!

It's been years since I walked there--
Thank you for inspiring me
To start to live again...
Thank you for being you, being active
Making sure I don't get too tired or have a problem
Yet making sure I push the limits
Try something new,
Go for a walk,
Take a little chance that proves
That I can live again.

I remember now how I used to run off
Into the woods, even alone
To think, to meditate and recharge
To marvel.

My dreams seemed closer
As we walked together today
The trails I want to walk down
Seemed nearer
The switchbacks, not so steep.

With you by my side
I know
That we will walk together
As long as we can
And strive to enjoy
Each moment.

Your impersonation of why tick signs
Were posted on one side of the road but not on the other
Dog ticks versus Deer ticks
In a "West Side Story" fashion...
I love the way you personify
What you see around you
And the way you bring me out of my shell
To be the woman I am
who went into a quiet hiding for a few years
While I got wrapped up in finishing college,
Wrapped up in trying to get well,
So wrapped up that I forgot the things I enjoyed...
Thank you
For reminding me of who I am
And for sharing who you are with me.

Whether we are enjoying
A brain storm
or a rain storm outside the window
Or a walk
Or kayaking around a lake,
or planning another adventure...
It is good to have my best friend
by my side
As we grow together and create our own life, our own story.

A dinner we share with dearest friends,
Realizing things turn out well in the end
Realizing the terrain, though steep at times
Is easier with companionship and a laugh and
A funny positive outlook
And a plan to approach challenges...

We'll get there.

Today we got to walk the length of the trail....together, and to make memories
And experience
watching a frog who thought we couldn't see him,
Watching ants duking it out,
Watching a green, boxy bug try to get airborn...sort of....

The time we saw the beaver swimming last summer....

Thank you, for being in my life,
for the walk in the woods....I pray to the Heavens in thanks
that you are in my life....for the paths of life we walk together I rejoice, for the paths we will walk together, I rejoice....and if the Heavens call one of us home long before the other, I know that even for the one still walking the trial, knowing that the other is standing at the top of the mountain
Will make the climb that much sweeter.

A walk in the woods....a journey together...as I learn to live again, I love how our lives become more intertwined, and we make new stories to share.