Learning to Journey

Life is a journey; the beginning and end are predictable occurances, so, while in Life, it is best to find things that bring joy and meaning! For some, it is being like "The Lupine Lady," and trying to make the world more beautiful.

I had a beatiful day today. I got to see my Hunny, and my dear friends in South Jersey. It was really, truly, wonderful!

The doctors are still fighting over my health, but none of that matters right now. The tummy surgery to fix the Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction was truly a success and whil not 100% I am better than I've been in a while. I am still very tired, but I am thankful that I was able to get up and dressed and see people whom I care very much about, today.I choose to focus on that, and on the fact that I can sit here, warm, safe, and comfortable, and type away at the end of the day. That's a lot more than many, many, many people can even hope to do and have tonight, and for them one must pray and help where possible.

I don't know where the current road is taking me: I don't know what answers I will or will not find, or if any of them even matter, but I do know this; that I must not succumb to feelings of doubt or self-pity, but rather, make a conscious effort to rejoice in the moment, and to do as much as I can for as long as I can and to live life in such a way that two things occur:
1) When it's my time, I can cross over knowing I made the world, overall, better for having journeyed through it, in large part by loving and allowing myself to be loved.
2) I can skid sideways into the grave, screaming Wheeee! That was FUN!, body all used up, Grinning ear to ear and knowing I lived!

Enjoying Music, Moving Forward towards Whatever

Years ago, my goal was to do one thing per day. It served me well, so I think I will do that, again. It doesn't matter what that one thing is, it can be small. It can be big. As long as I do something. Today I did a lot of stuff that while seemingly minor, I had been putting off.

I've gotten that feeling that I've been treading water, staying in one place, barely afloat, for too long. It's safe living home with Mom and Dad, and it's good. But, I have something to prove, to myself. That I can make it on my own. I feel it's something I need to do, for me, before I get married, because I think it will be beneficial to me, for me to see I can live on my own successfully, for me to stop doubting myself, and to regain some perspective by stepping out of my comfort zone.

I need to stretch these wings a little, maybe it will help. My body is healing from my last surgery, every day. Each day I feel better and better, though I still have a way to go. Tonight, I went to the movies with my Love for the first time in a long time, and went out for a good dinner together. It's been up and down lately, but, as my Love puts it, "It's good to have my Reenie back."

Me, my personality, myself, are re-emerging.

I go back to work on Monday, and intend to just keep my head down, and do my job, do it well, and let things on that front, stabilize.

I guess my biggest fear about moving is the fear of losing a sense of security and stability. There are all the what ifs--what if I get sick again? What if I lose my job? But, I realize, there will always be what ifs, the trick is to control the things I can, and beyond that, play it smart. I guess that is the best that any of us can do, since there are no guarantees. That being said, I know I'll always have people who will take me in, family and friends and Love, with whom I am blessed! So, if things head south, I'll survive, I always survive. I won't focus on how scary the world and uncertainty is, but rather, to figure out ways to be creative and get things more stable and re-discover the driven, motivated side of me which has been dormant for a long, long time now, in part because I was feeling sick for so, so very long.

Today was truly a turning point. Being out on dates with my Love, taking the initiative to say, I've been complaining that something needs to change, for a year. So, I'm going to make it change. Am I making the best decision? Who knows, time will tell. Am I making the worst decision? Nope. It's a trial run. As my one friend reminds me, moving to an accessible housing unit is not permanant, I must not view it as a loss of independence but rather a gain. I am going to have my own apartment!! Finally, if all goes well!! It is not permanant. It's something I need to do, to prove to myself I can do it.

What would all the years of rehab be worth, if I never used all the skills I was taught, anyways? ;)

I think this will be good for me, my friends, my family, and my Love, and let me just blossom back into myself, by having a new challenge, and no longer running in circles, unsure what decision to make or where to go, I am making a decision. This is my decision. I'm moving. Its temporary, until I get married. But, it will be a good growing experience so I have no regrets, and I will be more independent again. :)

Playing with Dirt!

Tonight was fun!

I am trying to branch out. I signed up for a pottery class, with the local parks system. I had done some pottery while in college, and, while I am certainly no sculpture, there is something so satisfying and soothing about working with clay.

I hitched a ride with my Mom who takes a painting class down the hall in the same buildling at the same time. I was impressed with how nice the sudio is. I was a little nervous going in there as anyone is with something new, walking into a room full of new people in a new place, but I am so glad I went!

Its been so long since I really worked with my hands, but this week has been good for it. Between scrap booking a bit one evening, and now starting pottery, it feels good to create stuff, even if it is a very, VERY functional mug. ;)

Clay is fun because it is something most of us played with a bit as kids. As an adult, its so different from the day to day things we use our hands for--typing, working, cleaning...Heck, its a good workout for your paws, too! A different tacticle experience.....so often everything we touch (at least in suburbia, USA) is just plastic, already formed, lifeless, and usually sprayed with some antibacterial something these days. Then there's clay. It's dirt. It's wonderful, mushy, and malliable. I haven't picked up a chunk of it in YEARS, and sitting there today making a little bowl, a clunky mug, and some kind of dish that I'm not yet sure quite what is going on with yet, I just couldn't get over how different it feels than the things we usually hold and touch. Dirt is still fun!! ;)